


I’m Outside

by thirdmixtape



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-05-16 00:59:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19307419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thirdmixtape/pseuds/thirdmixtape
Summary: They stare at each other before Jinsol sighs at Jungeun with a look of pity.“How’d you know?”“How’d I know what?” Jungeun asks, confused.“That you’re in love.”Jungeun opens her mouth yet no words come out.





	I’m Outside

_It’s 1:26am and I love you_

_It’s 1:27am and I love you_

_It’s 1:28am and I love you_

_It’s 1:29am and I still love you_

 

 

 

☾ ☽

 

 

 

She doesn’t know why she thinks that as a small piece of time passes, her feelings might change. She’s been in bed since 10:43pm and she’s changed her position in bed so many times yet each attempt to move the weight on her chest is a fail. How many nights now has she lost sleep over her?

 

She thinks back to when she was like this over someone else. It was so long ago. But back then it wasn’t _love._ It wasn’t like _this._ But even so, she can’t help but think, ‘ _This is the feeling I thought I’ve forgotten.’_

 

She groans, flipping herself onto her back, looking up at the roof to look at the shadows the street light had casted through her window. So many thoughts run past her mind and it frustrates her how she’s too slow to grab at one and strangle it. This was also one of the reasons why she always found it hard to write in a journal - her mind went too fast for her hand. She sits up and grabs her phone just to put it on shuffle, after all, music is what feelings sound like and right now she’d rather listen to an artist’s feelings than her own since she couldn’t quite make out what she even felt. She thinks it can’t be love though. Surely not. It’s not supposed to hurt, right?

 

3 minutes and 17 seconds. She listens to a song and it makes her think of _her_. And when the song ends, the silence makes her think of her too. Is that what being ‘in love’ does? It seems like every song tends to make you think of them, even though the lyrics have no business in doing so. It was frustrating.

 

She gets up out of bed and puts on sweatpants and a sweater due to the chill of the night. She needed to get out of her room to shout and the only way she could do that without getting in trouble this late at night was to go for a drive and put the volume all the way up as she screamed the lyrics with everything in her lungs.

 

She gets to her car and her phone automatically connects to the bluetooth of the car’s sound system. She instantly puts her “shout” playlist on shuffle. As she hears the first few seconds of the song that plays, she lets out a deep breath. She feels like she’s been holding her breath in for weeks now. She felt like she hasn’t been in control, and she’s _always_ been in control. She hates the feeling of being flipped on her head.

 

And so she shouts along to the lyrics being shouted too.

 

**_I DIDN’T KNOW I WAS LONELY TIL I SAW YOUR FACE_ **

**_I WANNA GET BETTER_ **

**_I DIDN’T KNOW I WAS BROKEN TIL I WANTED TO CHANGE_ **

**_I WANNA GET BETTER_ **

 

Three songs play, and then another two and as the last chord from the last song plays, she scoffs at herself as she realises where she’s parked outside.

 

Jungeun looks to the window where she’s looked to a hundred times before and her heart flips when she sees the lights are on in that room. She’s nervous. She’s scared. But she thinks that since she’s already there, might as well go for it. And so she calls her phone.

 

Of course she picks up regardless of how late it was.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Hey.”

 

The silence is one the other girl is used to since she knows how Jungeun needs time to form her thoughts when she’s in her feelings. She knows Jungeun’s in her feelings too since it was this late at night. She also knows Jungeun needs prodding before letting out those thoughts so she asks her a simple question.

 

“What are you thinking about?”

 

Jungeun wastes no time in answering.

 

“You.”

 

She hears the other girl’s soft chuckle and Jungeun closes her eyes as she imagines the face the other girl would make as she made that airy sound.

 

“Care to elaborate?”

 

“Well… I’ve missed you Jinsol.”

 

Jinsol hums to Jungeun’s answer, “Well… I’ve missed you too.”

 

“When’d you get back?”

 

“A couple hours ago. I’ve never experienced jet lag so severe until now. I feel like every time I move my soul is trying to catch up to my body.”

 

“Hmm……. Funny how I kind of know the feeling despite never leaving this country.”

 

“Yeah? How so?”

 

“Kind of like, how my brain is trying to catch up to my heart.”

 

It’s incredibly cliche to say, but the silence was deafening. As a few seconds finally pass, Jinsol speaks again.

 

“You’ve fallen in love, haven’t you?”

 

“I… I don’t really know. All I know is that I have nothing to compare this feeling to since I’ve never really felt it this bad. And it hurts. If this is love, I didn’t know it’d hurt like this.”

 

“It’s Jiwoo, isn’t it?”

 

“Can I see you?” Jungeun asks, completely disregarding Jinsol’s question. She hears Jinsol clears her throat and through the phone, the older girl’s voice sounds hoarse.

 

“I’m tired. I think Haseul is still awake if you needed someone to vent to right now. Sorry Jungeun. You know I usually would, but not this time. I can’t this time.”

 

Jungeun hears the defeat in Jinsol’s voice and she’s starting to second guess how rude she’s probably being at the moment. They were best friends and they always stayed up late for each other no matter how tired one was, so it’s a little twist of the knife to her heart when she hears Jinsol’s answer. It kind of confirms the feeling that Jungeun’s had since Jinsol’s been gone. That things have changed between them.

 

But Jungeun feels the strong need to be selfish tonight.

 

“I really need to see you. I want to see you. I’m aching to see you so bad right now Jinsol. It’s been a month.”

 

“It’s late. You-”

 

“I’m outside.”

 

Jungeun hears the shuffle of movement, knowing Jinsol’s making her way to her window to look out. Jungeun sees the blinds being pulled aside lightly and someone peeking out. Jungeun flicks her high beams on and off, a signal Jinsol was familiar with. She hears Jinsol mutter to herself, and catches the last thing she says as she leaves her window, _“You’re always forcing yourself in with me no matter how much I try to block you out…”_

 

Jungeun pretends not to hear it since she knows it’s something Jinsol didn’t want her to hear.

 

“So… Can I see you?”

 

“Come to the door, I’ll let you in. Roommates are asleep so don’t talk 'til we’re in my room.”

 

Jinsol disconnects the call and Jungeun turns the engine off. As Jungeun walks to the front door, she starts to reassess the situation and thinks that maybe she’s not ready for what’s about to come next. Yet, as Jinsol opens the door and Jungeun’s faced with the beauty she’s been robbed of for weeks, she thinks the only way this feeling in her chest can leave is if she just unloads it to the one whose fault it was that it was there in the first place.

 

Jungeun quickly moves to hug Jinsol. And she leaves a lingering kiss on the cheek as she does so. She then hugs Jinsol tighter while softly sniffing her jawline, missing the scent of the other girl. She brings her mouth closer to Jinsol’s ear so she can whisper into it.

 

“I know you said not to talk until we’re in your room, but god, I have missed you.”

 

Jinsol steps back, looking at Jungeun with pursed lips for a couple seconds before she’s pulling Jungeun in and dragging her into her room. Jinsol lets go of her hand, walking to her desk before sitting right on the desktop.

 

Jinsol looks to the younger girl, waiting for her to speak. Jungeun quickly decides to make her way to the foot of Jinsol’s bed, directly a few metres in front of where Jinsol sat because whatever was going to come out of her mouth in the next few minutes, she knew her legs wouldn’t be strong enough to hold her up. But funnily enough, as soon as she sits onto the comfy bed, her mouth is clamped shut. She doesn’t know what to say.

 

They stare at each other before Jinsol sighs at Jungeun with a look of pity.

 

“How’d you know?”

 

“How’d I know what?” Jungeun asks, confused.

 

“That you’re in love.”

 

Jungeun opens her mouth yet no words come out. She closes it as she thinks as to how she could answer such a question. Yet her thoughts cease to a stop as she hears Jinsol’s voice once again.

 

“Let’s skip that question and do an easier one. What are you feeling?”

 

Jungeun actually lets out a scoff at that. _An easier one._ She looks back up at Jinsol and the other girl’s got her eyebrows furrowed in concern, yet the way her fingers are tapping on the desk on either side of her shows impatience.

 

“Just tell me the easier signs. The stuff you feel. Let’s do three of the basics: skipped beats, tight throat, heavy chest....”

 

“Well I have been feeling the skipped beats the past several months. Especially the past month, everytime I get that notification on my phone. Tight throat… Well I got that during the past month too, on the phone… talking. And the heavy chest. That one’s the hardest to ignore since it always seems to be there. It’s this weight that just sits right here,” Jungeun makes a fist with her right hand and bangs it where her heart is, “it won’t go away no matter how bad I want it to.”

 

Jinsol nods her head, before looking down at her feet in thought, watching them slightly swing from under her desk. Jungeun also looks down to Jinsol’s feet and notices she’s wearing blue socks with fishes on them.

 

“I… I think maybe, I was already in love… Like, before…”

 

Jinsol looks up as Jungeun speaks, eyes slanted, intrigued at what she has to say.

 

“Mmm… go on…” Jinsol prods.

 

“Like... I was already feeling things before, right? But I didn’t really address them as to what they were. I didn’t explicitly define them as _romantic_ feelings… I guess I was just happy with what it was at the time.”

 

Jungeun notices how Jinsol’s now gripping the edge of her desk. Does she know what Jungeun was trying to say?

 

“Then… I’m assuming something’s changed?”

 

“I… I guess it just grew stronger? And I just felt this _want_. But then I didn’t want to risk it all so I just left it… Kinda buried it. It’s weird though… Usually by feeding something it gains strength but with these feelings... As they were being deprived… I just felt it more? Like… it started hurting.”

 

“What do you mean by ‘deprived’?”

 

“Like… I couldn’t hold their hand anymore. Or kiss their cheek. Smell them. No cuddles. And just by not validating the feelings, it just grew… grew into this big monster that keeps me from sleeping at night. And then a different kind of hurt came.” Jungeun stands, feeling the need to walk around now that her mind was running in that fast pace again. “I knew it was jealousy. And it’s the kind of stupid jealousy where you know you have no right to be jealous, but still are anyway. This shit hurt like a bitch. Cause then, I felt the need to claim. But I had no right to claim.” Jungeun stopped pacing and looked back at Jinsol. “I had no right cause I was the one that acted like I didn’t want it in the first place.”

 

“I see…” Jinsol lets out a big gust of air from her chest and Jungeun suddenly wants to poke the sides of the blonde’s cheeks since they’re puffed up.

 

“Remember that time you found out I was seeing a therapist? And you asked me if it was cause then I’d be able to tell everyone I was gay? Do you remember that?”

 

Jungeun takes a couple steps closer to her, feeling like if she was closer to Jinsol, she’d be getting closer to the point too. “Yes…”

 

“Do you remember what I said? What my answer was?”

 

Jungeun clearly remembered. It’s what helped her get through it herself. “You said, no…. You said that you were seeing a therapist so that you could tell _yourself_ that you were gay…”

 

“Right… You should tell yourself you have feelings Jungeun. You’re hurting yourself.”

 

Jungeun steps even closer to Jinsol. She’s only a metre away now. “I think… right _now_ , I know. I _know_ now… Just being here.”

 

In a tiny moment of silence, both pairs of eyes look into each other, yet Jinsol moves hers away to glance at various objects in her room.

 

“So… You _needed_ … You _wanted_ and you _ached so bad_ to see me to use me as a tool for confirmation?” Jinsol’s looking back at Jungeun now and her piercing gaze would be terrifying if it weren’t for the unspilled tears gathering along her waterline. “You just needed a quick look at me to confirm that it’s _not_ me, right? It’s Jiwoo. It’s always been her, right? Friends with benefits my ass, I knew you’d fall for her.”

 

Jungeun shakes her head, walking until she’s directly in front of Jinsol, “Wrong. You’re wrong. It’s not Jiwoo. I don’t think it ever would be…” She takes one more step towards Jinsol and they’re both so close now since Jungeun’s standing right in between Jinsol’s legs. “What happened between Jiwoo and I wasn’t even... It happened like, twice and it was only ‘cause we couldn’t do it with the person we wanted… It was just confusing for me at the time too because… I just… I’ve been a mess ‘cause my thoughts and feelings just contradicted each other. I didn’t want to risk something that I had with that someone since it was already _so_ _good_ … yet all I wanted to do was risk it all. Just for the tiny chance that it would be even _better_.”

 

Jungeun says the last word slowly, almost as if she was unsure as to the word she chose to say. But she knows it’s enough as she watches the blondes face when it finally clicks into her head, and the look Jinsol gives Jungeun is enough to pierce her through the heart. It just hurt, watching her hurt. Jungeun swallows the lump in her throat as she feels a feeling she knew would come up tonight. It was guilt.

 

“ _You_ kissed _me_ Jungeun. And _I_ was nice enough to put every fucking thing I felt to the side, for _you_ since _you_ were the one that wanted to act like nothing happened. You kissed me the night I had to leave, and never addressed it when we talked on the phone while I was gone. And when I did bring it up, of course you said you ‘forgot’ about it and blamed it on the alcohol. And fuck you for being drunk when you did that, you _knew_ that was an easy way out.”

 

“I’m sorry.” Jungeun whispers.

 

Jinsol’s looking up towards the roof, and she’s not even looking at anything in particular. But it’s clear that as her eyes move around as she blinks, she’s trying not to cry. Yet tears are falling anyway. Every blink causes a tear to slide down her cheek before getting caught in her jawline, clinging onto it as it slides down to her chin.

 

And Jungeun can’t take it. She can’t watch her cry, and so she brings her arms around Jinsol and hugs her as she softly nuzzles into her neck. “I’m so sorry. But it’s you. It’s always been you. I’m in love with _you_ . I love _you_. I’ve been denying for so long cause I was scared of what would happen when I’d finally admit it.”

 

Jungeun feels Jinsol’s arms move to rest on her shoulders, so she moves her head back to look at the blonde.

 

“Being in love isn’t the end of the world Jungeun.”

 

“It is if the one you love doesn’t love you back.”

 

“You thought I didn’t want you?”

 

“Kinda… But after that kiss I freaked out cause then I realised you did. And then it brought the fear of actually going for it and fucking it up.”

 

“Mmm…”

 

“I know that this whole thing could’ve been avoided if I just said what I was feeling. I _know_ that. I should’ve just ignored the consequences, good or bad, and just told you I liked you and wanted more. But I kept thinking of the risks and I didn’t want to lose you.”

 

Jungeun bites her bottom lip as she wipes Jinsol’s tears off her face with her thumbs, “In another life I would’ve done this differently…”

 

Jinsol smiles at Jungeun’s comment, and laughs when she feels the younger girl pinch both her cheeks, “Just because things could’ve been different, doesn’t mean it’d be better… And anyway, in any life I know my answer would be yes.”

 

“Yes? That’s your answer to what question though?” Jungeun asks, quirking an eyebrow up in curiosity.

 

Jinsol replies smoothly with a cheeky grin, “Any form of question where you ask me to be yours…”

 

“Is that what you’re expecting right now?” Jungeun has both eyebrows raised now in amusement.

 

“Well what was your endgame here Jungeun?”

 

 

 

☾ ☽

**Author's Note:**

> Hi hi friends. 
> 
> This was written long ago and has been in my drafts because I always deemed it unfinished (and I actually don't like it - I find kinda stupid but ehh feelings are stupid half the time aye). I always imagined it to be a one shot but I got my friend to read it months ago and they said to just leave it as is since it's fine as a drabble. So I was supposed to post it back then but forgot - I only remembered now since I'm going through my many drafts to steal stuff to add to one of the ones I'm currently writing hahaha. One day I will post everything lol - and the DA AU will be updated soon-ish. 
> 
> Again: questions, thoughts, feelings and comments are welcome and appreciated.
> 
> I hope life's been treating you well.  
> Until next time, gang :)


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